lokis_mayhem: (ZombieApocalypse)
[personal profile] lokis_mayhem
Title: Dr. Sezy!Zombie Goes Greene
Fandom: The Walking Dead
Characters: Dr. Sexy Zombie (this guy) and bunches of other walkers. Mentions my honey Shane but not by name.
Warnings: This is crack!fic - meant to amuse and not to be taken all that seriously. You are also warned for language if that kinda thing bothers you.
Word Count: 1230 per wordcounter.net
A/N: My good friend [livejournal.com profile] gategurl and I both took a notice in Dr. Sexy!Zombie in the finale episode of TWD (2x13: Beside the Dying Fire). She noticed that Dr. Sexy!Zombie was not present at the barn-burning and we wondered if maybe he was just wandering about in the woods the whole time. Then this popped into my head and voila! Crack!fic is born. Thank you to [livejournal.com profile] gategurl for betaing this for me! <3 You rock, bb!

Please note that I do not own these characters - Robert Kirkman and AMC and all those cool people have that honor. I just take them out and play with them every now and then. There are several pop culture references in this piece: 1 - Dr. Sexy is a Supernatural reference; 2 - "Swim down together" is a Finding Nemo reference (my kid was watching the movie while I was writing and it just sorta seemed to work); "Tonight we dine in hell" is a 300 reference.

Translation for zombie speak is in parentheses. I really hope you like it!


It was a beautiful August day, and Dr. Sexy!Zombie, MD thought he was dealing pretty well with being a zombie. No more bills, no more overnight pages to report to surgery, no more taxes… life was pretty sweet. Sure, he smelled terrible and had a gaping wound in his neck, but at least it didn’t hurt anymore.

He rounded a corner, hoping to find something to eat on the next block. Pickings were getting pretty slim in the city. Some of his fellow walkers were resorting to eating animals, but he hadn’t gotten quite that desperate. Yet. It was close though.

Instead of fresh meat, he found a pretty large herd of walkers headed out of town. Not having anything better to do (and Dr. Sexy!Zombie always did enjoy a good party), he fell into step with his undead brethren.

After a couple of miles, he turned to one of his herd mates and said, “GRAAAAAGH! Grrg aagh mmmrh?” (Hey man! Where are we going?)

The walker turned to Dr. Sexy!Zombie and gave a ghastly smile. “Guuurgh ugh aaagh.” (Something came through the sky, made a big noise. It might be lunch so we’re following.)

Dr. Sexy!Zombie stopped shambling. He looked up, searching for whatever had made the supposed “big noise.” By the time he realized that whatever it was had long gone, he was at the back of the herd.

“Grrgh. Ugh.” (Oh well. Might as well keep going.)

The herd shambled on for miles and miles. Every now and then, the leaders would come across animals and the stray person or two. Most of the walkers got at least a bite or two, but it wasn’t nearly enough to sate their voracious appetites.

As the herd wandered, their numbers grew. Dr. Sexy!Zombie was shocked to discover that the herd now numbered in the hundreds. “Uuuurgh.” (Damn, where’d all these walkers come from?)

One evening, just before sunset, the herd came to a halt. Dr. Sexy!Zombie bumped into the back of the walker in front of him. “Maaahhg!” (Sorry, lady. Why’d we stop? Are we there yet?)

Word passed back from the front of the herd that there was a fence in the way. “Graagh muuurh.” (Everyone! Swim down together!)

As one, the herd pushed forward. Dr. Sexy!Zombie was concerned for his brethren in the front of the herd. Surely the pressure from the rest of the herd was smooshing the ones in the front against the fence!

Suddenly, the group surged forward, and Dr. Sexy!Zombie nearly lost his footing. As the group shambled on through the field, he saw the remains of the fence, crunched and broken by the feet of a hundred zombies. “Mwaaaaaaawl ggrh!” (Ha! Fences can’t hold us back, bitches!)

Darkness fell as the herd crossed through the woods. They heard a loud sound, just one, and began to shuffle off in the direction of the noise. As they came out into an open field, the walkers in the front of the herd began to moan and grunt in excitement. Word spread through the herd; finally, after their many days of shambling about, they were about to get their reward. On the far end of the field, two figures raced toward a farmhouse.

“Guugh ragh argh,” the leaders assured. (Where there are two, there are more. Tonight, we dine in hell!)

Dr. Sexy!Zombie  followed his herd mates as they shuffled through the field, thinking that it really was a lovely night for a stroll through the wilderness. His mind wandering, he didn’t see the man’s body lying in the grass until he’d already tripped over it.

“Guuuh,” he moaned. (What the hell? Somebody just left dinner lying here? Awesome!)

Dr. Sexy!Zombie sagged to the ground next to the man, prodding him with his knee. There was no response from the man, and Dr. Sexy!Zombie noticed that the man felt different, not like dinner. He wasn’t warm; he wasn’t soft. He wasn’t screaming in terror. “Gragh,” he said. (Damn. I’m really hungry.)

Realizing that the man must be one of his own kind, Dr. Sexy!Zombie poked the man’s chest and said, “Guurgh arrrh mrh.” (Come on, brother, join us! There’s food just over the hill!)

He waited a few moments, hoping to see some response, but there was none. Dr. Sexy!Zombie, thinking that there had to be something he could do, thumped the man’s chest with his fist. “Grrrrrahhhgg!” (Dude! Get up!)

Loud noises rang out through the night. Dr. Sexy!Zombie raised his head in excitement. Abandoning the man’s body, he struggled to his feet and began to shamble toward the sounds. “Raargh!” (Food! Woo hoo!)

By the time Dr. Sexy!Zombie reached the source of the noise, there wasn’t much left of what had once been a beautiful farm. The barn was on fire and beginning to crumble to the ground. Several of his herd mates had evidently been inside the barn when it started to burn; there were quite a few of them stumbling about, the hair and clothes still aflame.

“Guurgh rargh mrh,” he told them. (Stop, drop, and roll, you idiots.) He shook his head and kept walking. As he came around the side of the barn, he caught several of his herd mates licking what was left of their lips as they finished of the last of… something.

“Maaargh?!” (What was that that you’re eating?)

The little group of walkers actually looked guilty; Dr. Sexy!Zombie didn’t know that was even still possible. “Mrh.” (Boy. He was tasty.)

“Gragh?” (Did you save me any?)

The little group of walkers shuffled and looked at the ground. One of them finally looked up and said, “Grrh.” (… No.)

Dr. Sexy!Zombie made what might have been a sigh, if he could still breathe, and shambled away from them. Across the flattened, dirt-packed drive, he saw another group of walkers hunched over the remains of something. He hurried over to the group, but his hopes were dashed as he realized that all that was left were bloody bones.

Dr. Sexy!Zombie groaned. “Mrh.” (What did y’all have to eat?)

“Guuhgrhh muurrrhg arg.” (It was a woman. She was very tasty, all juicy! Want a bone?)

Dr. Sexy!Zombie lost it. “GGGRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!” (No! I do not want a fucking bone! I want meat! Bloody, red, raw meat! But noooo, you fuckers couldn’t be bothered to exert some self-control and save me some. Buncha fucking assholes! And another thing! Why did you burn the barn down? I leave you alone for two minutes and you wreck hell out of everything! Gimme that!)

He snatched the proffered bone and stuck it in his mouth as he shuffled away from the group. He could feel that they were still staring at him as he went, and he gave a slight shudder. He never lost his temper that way. Being dead changed a man, so to speak.

As he wandered around the barnyard, he caught a glimpse of some of his herd mates shambling off through the woods. Tossing aside the bone he’d been gnawing on, he followed them, hoping that this next adventure would at least end with dinner.



 

Date: 2012-04-24 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gategurl.livejournal.com
This is even better (if that is even possible) the second time around. So hilariously cracky!

I CAN'T EVEN.

PS: The next adventure into cracky-zombiedom needs to be that woman in the white nightdress. (Just sayin')

Date: 2012-04-25 12:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Yay! Thank you bb <3 Did I fix the one part that I left out ok, about the first gunshot?

You might have to point her out to me but I think that's completely do-able :D

Date: 2012-04-25 12:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] synnerxx.livejournal.com
Omg, this is hilarious! I love it, bb. <33333

Lol, I love the zombies interacting with each other. XD

Awesome fic!

Date: 2012-04-25 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Thank you so much bb! <3333 This was way too much fun to write! :D

The zombie interaction is my favorite part. I read this over the phone to Adam - you should've heard me trying to do the zombie speak and not crack up laughing!

Date: 2012-04-25 01:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] synnerxx.livejournal.com
I'll bet! Fun to read! :D

Lmao, nice. I couldn't even read it in my head without giggling. XD

Date: 2012-04-25 01:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
I couldn't even read it in my head without giggling

:D That's the best compliment to a crack!fic author!! :D

Date: 2012-04-25 04:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] synnerxx.livejournal.com
\o/

Lol, I love people who can write crack fic and make it work, like you. Every time I try to write crack, it turns serious on me. XD /failed crack writer.

Date: 2012-04-25 07:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Thank you bb <3 It's kinda hard to write crack for people but the zombies? The zombie speak alone makes it crack-tastic! :)

Date: 2012-04-25 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] synnerxx.livejournal.com
<3 Can't wait to see more. :D

Date: 2012-04-25 01:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alfabet126.livejournal.com
I don't watch the show, but this was very amusing and entertaining on its own. :D Great job, hon!

Date: 2012-04-25 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Thank you so much sweetie! <3 I'm glad it amused and entertained even though you don't watch the show - that's an awesome compliment!!

Date: 2012-04-25 01:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] corellian-sugar.livejournal.com
How much is that zombie in the window?
The one with the ragged entrails
How much is that zombie in the window?
I do hope that zombie's for --- AADFJKLNGKSLDFGRAAAAAARRR! NO, NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOOOO!

:::munch munch munch:::

Cracktastic! :)

Date: 2012-04-25 12:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Hahahahahaha! I love it! XD

Thank you honey! <3 I'm glad you liked it!

Date: 2012-04-25 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyarcherfan3.livejournal.com
Perfection. Utter, cracky perfection. Love his rant towards the end. And "fences can't hold us back, bitches!" I dunno why, it just made me laugh!

Date: 2012-04-25 12:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Thank you!! <3 I'm really glad you got a kick out of it! That bit made me laugh too XD

Date: 2012-04-25 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] almadeamla.livejournal.com
But he can't be Dr. Sexy if he isn't wearing cowboy boots!

That aside, this had me snorting the whole way through.

Date: 2012-04-25 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
He wore cowboy boots on his days off ;-)

Thank you! :D I admit that I snorted a good bit while I was writing it XD

Date: 2012-04-25 03:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] murphstheman.livejournal.com
that was awesome:D *gigglesnort*

Date: 2012-04-25 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Thank you babe! <3 I'm glad you liked it!

Date: 2012-04-25 05:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] museofmyself.livejournal.com
Hee hee! This was hilarious! I swear, I am not going to become a zombie lover, but I do enjoy these stories you write about them, Rhi! Who knew zombies could be sexy?! ;D

Date: 2012-04-25 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com
Thank you doll! <3 I'm really glad you enjoyed it :D
Hahaha! I think Milo and Dr. Sexy!Zombie here have cornered the market on being sexy zoms *g*

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